0:00–She’s singing “California Gurls.” Did we click on the wrong video?
0:13–”Another one in the can!” crows Katy. Katy, that doesn’t make us think you’re hard-working or down-to-earth. It makes us think you’re kind of full of it.
0:15-0:25–What is the purpose of this exchange with the bodyguard? It has literally nothing to do with anything that happens in this video.
0:42–What the hell just happened? Katy was just looking in her mirror and now all of a sudden we’re in a forest and she’s all Goth-looking?
0:52–Wait, no, it’s a castle. Maybe? Really though can we talk about that cape? Katy, it takes a more fashion-forward woman than you to pull off a good cape.
1:03–Is this Labyrinth? God knows it’s not Pan’s Labyrinth, although the aesthetic of the labyrinths isn’t dissimilar. Is David Bowie coming out soon?
1:27–Katy eats the CLEARLY POISONOUS/DANGEROUS strawberry. Girl, have you never heard any fairy tale or myth ever? Never eat the red fruit!!! Talk to Snow White and/or Persephone if you have any questions.
1:34–Haha, Katy’s hands pushing the walls apart look like Sookie’s weird bursts of light in True Blood.
1:43–Sparks shoot out of Katy’s chest. We have NEVER seen this before!!! How cool and original!
1:58–The doors open and a small girl is looking up in seriously the most menacing way possible. Was she supposed to look so scary? Because those were some serial-killer eyes happening.
2:12–Katy’s reflection appears in the mirror they’re walking toward, but the little girl’s doesn’t. She’s the ghost of little Katy. Guys, don’t worry, we figured it out earlier, we’re being polite and giving them some credit for a reveal.
2:25–The floor starts falling in. Only Little Katy notices, because Big Katy is busy being trapped by paparazzi. Katy, you are famous because of paparazzi, don’t look so alarmed by them. Seriously, you should probably focus on the floor.
2:31–Oh, duh, she’ll just break through the mirror. No big.
2:34–What is even happening at this point? Little Katy is pushing Big Katy down the hall in a wheelchair with butterflies following them. IT ISN’T SYMBOLISM IF IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING.
2:39-2:57–HAHAHAHA the horned guys!!! This video, we can’t even. And obvi Katy’s holding that stupid strawberry in her hand because that is def the main problem. Then Little Katy stomps her foot (??) and sends like vibrations through the room (??), which wakes Katy up and gets the horned men to go away… so that Little Katy and Katy can run through the doors (fast recovery).
3:15– They emerge into a fairy tale garden type thing that looks like something out of Willy Wonka. We are unconvinced that Goth Katy belongs here. It’s pretty, though.
3:24– Look! Prince Charming! ON A UNICORN. No real Prince Charming rides unicorns when he can ride STALLIONS.
3:31–So Katy punches him. For crossing his fingers behind his back. Katy, if this is your way of talking about Russell Brand, we are unimpressed. Although it was a solid punch.
3:45–Little Katy and Big Katy run through a foliage heart. Just thought you should know.
4:06–Little Katy leaves to go home on her bike with a license plate saying “Katheryn.” Just in case none of us had gotten that she was Little Katy, 4 minutes into this thing. This is what Katy Perry thinks of your intelligence, y’all.
4:12-4:25–Goth Katy opens her hands to reveal the butterfly that Little Katy gave her… and it flies out to Katy, back at her dressing table but in a different California Gurls costume. Then she goes out on stage in that costume. What on earth?
Anyway, Katy has truly outdone herself on this one… in terms of sheer incoherence. Oh Katy, we like you so much more when you’re upbeat and bubbly than when you’re trying to be edgy and Goth and talk about Russell Brand. Moral of the story: watch a fun Katy Perry video (we recommend “Waking Up In Vegas”) instead of “Wide Awake.” Also, the song is kind of annoying. Just skip it altogether.
- Katy Perry “Wide Awake” Music Video: Released! (thehollywoodgossip.com)
- Katy Perry Premieres “Wide Awake,” Pays Homage To Former Hits (1015jamz.cbslocal.com)